You met someone you’re excited about who seems excited about you.
Except... you’re starting to get a sneaky feeling your date might be sneaking around on you.
How can you be sure that your new love interest doesn’t have an old love interest who’s still in the picture?
How can you be sure your sweetie isn’t married—or doesn’t have a significant other on the side?
Here are some tips from the experts (and my personal ex-files) for making sure your new crush isn’t trying to have two pieces of cake and eat ’em too!
1. The person never invites you to dinner in his or her neighbourhood. At first this might seem generous, but after a few dates this morphs into dubious behaviour. Basically, this person doesn’t want to be seen when out with you.
2. Your date prefers to stay at your place—giving you lame excuses for why you can’t come over to his or her place. Maybe if you did, you’d figure out the real deal—fast!
3. Your new honey pushes you to sleep together very, very quickly. (This might be because his or her paramour is conveniently out of town, and this person doesn’t want to waste the free night’s opportunity.)
4. Some of the compliments bestowed on you sound clichéd and memorised, like... “You are just a little bit irresistible.” Or this person pulls you close, and says, “Why are you standing so far away from me?” If your date walks and talks like a player, he or she could indeed be a player!
5. Your sweetie goes on a lot of business trips—even on weekends. Leading a double life, anyone?
6. When away on business, this new love of yours doesn’t provide details about what activities are occurring—and doesn’t share the name and phone number of a hotel, either. Um, maybe because your special someone isn’t away on business?
7. You start to notice that your new honey prefers to email you rather than call you. (This could be because his or her partner is in the other room.)
8. Often when this person calls you, the calls are (a) kept short, (b) end abruptly, and/or (c) conducted in a barely audible voice. All signs that someone else may be in the picture.
9. When you first meet this love interest, you’re only given a work number—and getting a cell-phone number is very slow-going... (probably out of fear that you’ll call when he or she is out with the significant other).
10. Your new love is rarely available on weekends or bank holidays — claiming business needs — or that family crisis.
11. Your sweetie is always at work late… hmm.
12. This person is very vague with details about past relationships. (This could be because an “ex-paramour” is actually a now-paramour.)
13. Your new honey repeats the same stories—because he or she has forgotten who’s been told what.
14. When spending time with you, this person has frequent excuses to go for little walks with mobile phone in hand. For example, your sweetie may claim to make a business call and that there’s bad cell phone reception where you are sitting. Or your new love seems to go to the bathroom far too frequently—and for far too long. This is a sign that the individual is working on covering for the fact that he or she is out with you!
15. When with you, he or she doesn’t want to pick up certain calls in your presence. Wonder why not?
16. This person is constantly online, even when with you, checking emails. And if you come close when he or she is online, poof! The window on the computer is immediately closed so you can’t see what was going on.
17. Your date never ever leaves his or her mobile phone or BlackBerry out where you might see it. It provides too many clues!
18. Your date’s co-workers or friends seem a bit uncomfortable in your company.
19. You find out this person has friends who are players. (Often a group of immoral friends can work as a support system for each other’s immoral activities.)
20. You find out that they cheated in past relationships. Statistically speaking, cheaters are suspect for cheating again.
If too many of the above remind you of your love interest, be on guard. But please know that just because you feel your paramour is cheating, it doesn’t mean he or she definitely is.
If your list of suspicions becomes unbearably long, open up a direct dialogue. Don’t vaguely accuse. Be prepared to share as many concrete reasons as you can for doubting his or her honesty.
Maybe you are wrong or maybe the situation isn’t anywhere near as bad as you believe. So speak from the heart calmly and see what response you get. For instance, you might say, “This is really hard to talk about... but I feel it’s very important for both your happiness and mine to be honest—however difficult that might feel at first. So, honestly, I am getting the vibe that you may be seeing someone else. I really care about you... and if you are seeing someone else... of course it will hurt to hear... but I truly want to understand what’s going on.”
Listen to the response. If this person denies any two-timing and you continue to date, do not keep accusing him or her thereafter, or you could create a self-fulfilling cheating prophecy.
However, if you get a denial but still feel suspicious, by all means, keep your eyes open. But before you approach your date again about this topic, collect your evidence…and be prepared to say good-bye.
by Karen Salmansohn
